I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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