I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
