Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize