I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You may now shotgun with the bride
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
