Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
We need to get me chipped asap
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
