I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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