Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Randomize
