Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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