I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
