I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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