she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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