I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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