i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
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