The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
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