First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
