I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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