I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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