A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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