the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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