omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
