If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
