why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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