The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
