I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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