Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
