I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
