When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize