She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
a search helicopter?!
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
