DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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