I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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