Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
