Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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