you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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