The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
