She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
