Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
We just shotgunned beers for America
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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