tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
