Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize