Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I just blew my weed a kiss
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I AM VODKA MAN
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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