because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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