The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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