party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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