just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
