I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
