K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
