I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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