About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I have aggressive nipples.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
