Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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