my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Randomize
