They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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