this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
