Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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