I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize