I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
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