I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
