Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
