So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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