I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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