I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
